But can condone!

As I read Mr. Ervin Antonio Lupoe’s story on how he took his and his family’s life out of desperation, it got me thinking; there is no telling what people can do when in despair! I am a firm believer in the line of reasoning.

We are all sketched and connected in our own way; some are wired to the left and others to the right, some have fuses plug on the negative and others on the positive. I call it the law of physics; all men are not wired equal but somehow we pretend to connect the fuses and wires, make it work.

Some people handle despair with dignity and others with aggression depending on which fuse and wire they find themselves in.

Every so often the wires and fuses become a little rowdy and untamed in your brain combusting like a nuclear weapon when you are confronted with challenges. They have their say another way, they don’t care what your feelings are, they lurk around like a pest frolicking while you are going through loads of (explecitive) and there is not one lame thing anyone can do about it; there is not one damn thing stopping them unless you get a grip of yourself.

It is not an easy task as it takes zamboni size willpower to control your emotions and not a cup of Ben and Jerrys ice cream. I know because I have lived it, you know because you have lived it. I know because I have been there, you know because you have been there. I know because I experienced it, you know because you have experience it.  Hello, my name is and I was once downsized, for lack of better term, laid off.

It is not pretty when you get your marching orders. The delivery of the “pink slip” – I have no idea who invented the moniker since the paper is not near and will never be pink unless it is April Foul day and you just been punked.

The deed usually takes place in a room with company’s officials, most likely Human Resources personal and your supervisors. They go over the script and expect you to smile along to the karaoke. “Do you have any questions”, they ask. “Yeah, when can I puke in your face?” Once the gathering is over, you load all your (oops!) belongings into one box, plastic bag or whatever available at the time, and talk yourself into walking out with your chin up given that you don’t wish for anyone to see you sweat or in tears. Often you don’t say goodbye, you don’t get to send send-off letters but storm out to later ask why me. “Why me” is recited constantly, over and over again for minutes, hours, days and sometimes months without generating any sensible answers. “Why me” becomes the two words of the jour.

It is not pretty when you hug your colleagues – tears jolting down your cheeks, wires frolicking in your brain. It is not pretty when you collect their emails and phone numbers, wave goodbye and promise to keep in touch. It is not pretty when your work family disintegrates. It is not pretty when you cry your eyeballs out, retreat to a corner in a fetal position and are dejected. It is not pretty at all but the movie is played! It is not like you had a discord or participated in bad behavior and disgraced your company, and you were let go. It is not that! It is the fact that you gave your life to the company, performed 100% to the best of your ability and yet you were let go.

You cry, you scream, you yell at what you don’t know; you punch the wall…you just do it! You vent, and?! You feel like going to an amusement park (the community fairs because you can’t afford Disney), to the rollercoaster and scream but you can’t because it costs at least twenty bucks; money that you don’t have, money that you can use for necessities, so you resort to staying home. So, you sit and wait, think and strategize, there is if you can; if the fuses in your brain permit, if you find the writing on the wall, the magical pill, your way out.

You are all familiar with the feeling of despair, of helplessness, of weakness, of shame when it charges towards you with the rage of a tiger. You are familiar with the feelings that tailbacks, entraps and shudders your emotions. You are familiar with the struggles to take back your dignity, to shrug off others perception of you but in the end you move on. You choose to put it all behind you as it becomes a blur, a part of growing up. No one pays your bills, so?!

God never gives you more than you can handle!

I got then candidate Barack Obama when he made his famous remarks that almost cost him the election that residents of small-town America “cling to guns or religion” out of bitterness over lost jobs. It is true; I did not cling to gun but clang to religion. Perhaps, there were some with contentious thoughts of clinging to gun but chose not to exercise it but Mr. Lupoe did.

Personally, I embraced religion with a vengeance, with all my teeth and nails, and I am not apologetic about it. Prayer does a body good; so there, take it if you can. It medicated my soul, stabilized my sanity and quieted down the wires that were too anxiously bottlenecking in my brain. It gave me a sense of pause and hope, and made me see the light like Punxsutawney Phil. I did not create the scenario nor knew the ingredient was part of the dish being served either until it fell on my plate. I could not swerve it even if I wanted it but ride it. So, I did.

I do not believe in taking own’s life and I hope people I know will never resort to the level. If you worship life, there is no reason to lose any sleep! Put a zipper or a ribbon, and sail away. However, these are no ordinary times; things are different this time around. We are all going through it or know someone who is going through it but the difference is that too many of us are going through it at the same time, which hastens the fuses to twist and shout even more.

To some, this is a new phenomenon; they have never been in that predicament so, there is no telling how they will react. The fact of the matter is that Mr. Lupoe did not have to kill his children, he did not have to kill his wife, he could have gone it alone if he so wished but no, he was too selfish, and a chicken at best. He could have resorted to his church, neighbors, community but he did not, yet again who am I to judge?!

We all deal with things differently. We make decisions that we believe is appropriate based in our beliefs and temperament. When in despair, we all look for that perfect antidote to numb our hurting, the miracle drug that seeds joy but does not speed injury. Taking own’s life can alleviate but can also have dire consequences, injures to those we love.

“”No matter how desperate you are, no matter how frustrated you are, to think this was the only answer — to take your whole family with you in death — is just too much to understand,” said City Councilwoman Janice Hahn, who represents the city’s Wilmington neighborhood where the slayings took place.

It’s sad that this happens anywhere, you know?” neighbor Jose Rodriguez told KABC. “You see it on the news but you never really become accustomed to it.””

When in need reach for the man on your right, he may be able to lend a hand! I was lucky my rescue package came within days; it did not take long. I reached to my old employer and ended “taking a sabbatical” by telecommuting all last year. Not bad, thank God for technology. No, I am not being fictitious.