To All Liberal Media

Dear Crazy (not lips!) Libs,

I hear you have been thrown in a blender, put in a glass and served chilly. I hear you have been put in a platform, thrown in a ring and under the bus.

Rumor has it you are a punching bag of sorts for everything traditionalist, a terrifying ear for a bullhorn and chili sauce for Tostitos. They don’t think highly or have much regard for you. They grumble daily that you are a menace to society, pesticide, and a disease that they do not fancy.

They strike and hammer you but you continue to lick your gashes without shame. You continue to open the doors, cuddle and barefacedly invite them to your party; yet they still spit at you. You continue and yet they still spit at you; they still spit at you and are still spiting on you… hoof, I pity the foul!

Considering that you are a disease and might infect the almighty;

Considering that they believe you are wicked and sinful, have no scruples; they question your wisdom; they do not give any credence to your position and would like you to go away;

Considering that you don’t believe in evolution and they do;

Considering that you are and will always cry “victim” and “feel sorry” for yourself; you are masochist and don’t mind the beating; you would not like them to blame you for their immaculate collapses; you are drained of hearing the same old rhetoric;

Considering that they are not looking for full-court media press, pass them the baton; why not, why not for a month or at least a week, allow all, turn your back on anything and everything republican. Don’t talk to, interview or refer to them in no way, shape or form on your newscast, blog or print. Just do not do it!

If you see them walking towards your microphone, run away, disappear like they yearn you to; do not let them near anything you whatsoever; leave them on their own for a time or for as long as you are able.

If you see them coming towards you in a parking lot, scream bloody Mary Joseph Madeleine, call the police and point out that they are not harassing you; they are not coming to get you; they are just coming to straighten your ways so you can have good manners and please keep silent while they rant. Let them teach you how to conduct yourself.

If they have a book, a documentary or a show, any event to promote, don’t book them on your program, don’t listen to their agents or publicist, do not read what they are sharing. If they invite you to their program, decline, do not attend. And if you come around to finally accept them on your show, do not fuss; do not introduce the topic of the conversation or raise any subject; do not get into a debate – shuhh it is a trap; give them more than an inch, park yourself gently across from them and stare, set the alarm clock and give them the floor, let them speak, spew out for the duration of the segment, and when the alarm goes off and their time is up, thank them for having been there and move on to the next segment.

Do not invite them to appear on your movies, documentary, TV show since you Hollywood – yes, I am pointing at you fake rich people – are a fantasyland and the basis for everything appalling and immoral, and don’t let them in your theaters either. Locate their TV signal and blackout the entire liberal shows from reaching them; do not watch any of their shows, performances or movies; don’t be out of your character. Do not read any of their books, magazines; do not read none of their blogs, do not infer to, link or mention them anywhere in the air or sea. Do not gang – you bunch of criminals – on them even if they are forthcoming; let them say whatever is on their minds and desire. Do not court, watch or listen to them; have a real media blackout day and enjoy the reputation of being a discriminator, a bona fide “real” jackass, show them your quirky side by hiding your self-governing smug.

If you are like many after having water thrown at you, after having been kicked on the groin, taking so much crap and hearing numerous spiteful chants; you either fade away, give the other cheek or punch back; something (any action demands a reaction), whatever fits your fancy.

In concluding this fallacy, instead of giving them the lip service, give them chocolate or butter; do not heed to their bawl.  If they are looking to be in the spot light, enjoy bashing you because it makes them feel good, terrific; just do not refer them to Mr. Feel good shrink or Who Let the Dogs Out.  And if you are or consider yourself a liberal or a member of the liberal media, change your locker, TV and radio station; don’t let pity clout your judgment.  Entertain their thoughts and judgment and do whatever they like; give in to their requests, become a butler to their own domain.

The balance is in the pudding.


Misery Loves Company