Taking Matters Into My Own Hands


I was searching for an appropriate title to this story and could not find one. I was going with “pictures are everything” and then with “the better business bureau” but decided to go with “taking matters into my own hand” because that’s precisely what I did; I took matters into my own hand.

The other day, I get this email, originated from me but I was not the author, to me. I was startled and annoyed. I was selling myself devices – feel good man’s toys and meds. As if I did not have to content with being a woman now I had to content with being a man. How suiting!

I had no idea I was a man; I had no idea I even needed some medications to reshape you know what. Apparently, I needed to balloon it – hoped it did not burst from too much force. Perhaps, the senders knew something better then I, I was not familiar with, but I digressed. Let just say if I were going to do it, meaning buy the he things, I certainly would not be using the site. If there is one thing that we have more than Subway or Dunkin Donuts or guns stores, are these stores. They are plastered everywhere in South Florida. You just have to walk in and pick one to your liking. It ain’t cost you a thing; your energy there is!

I got into a pissy fit mood dance. Instead of deleting and reporting it as a spam, I went to war and did the incredible. You have to understand that I received numerous emails from this people and at risk of losing my private email, though about deleting the account altogether.

Mind you, I have been using this account since before God; before hotmail was even baptized, when AOL was delivering disk’s not CD’s in the mail or you could even pick them up at the supermarket; before, Internet was even allowed to be “surfed”. Yes, I was one of the very first users of AOL way, way when yahoo stocks was still affordable – and I was stupid not to buy it, and goggle was not even born let again taking its first step. So, I felt betrayed!

I was not about to cross my arms from having been “corrupted” by the disgusting email. My privacy had been invaded and I was fuming. I mean, it was not like it was joyous and exciting “view”. Yeah, if the intent was to sell a product they could have at least used something more appealing. That’s my take but nooo, they were not even endearing to look.

The things – the washed up body parts – akin to an old red tomato; withered; an old rat that lost its hair. It was spitting scatty; the skin shapeless, begging for mercy. My thinking was that if I needed to be enticed by an email and rejuvenate my moribund driver gear – remember I am man – that wasn’t it.

There are so many “good” packages out there that they could have used. They could at least attempt to copy and paste Brad Pitt’s, Tom Cruise, Will Smith and Tiger Woods and mold them into one dang on state of the art bowl of soup; they could at least have made it alluring, gorgeous, vibrating instead of a deadbeat dad rundown sacked old buffoon… oh well, never mind. Not even a Brokeback Mountain would have liked that fried chicken!

The fact of the matter is that I did not appreciate the email neither was happy with the fact that my AOL account had been used, let alone compromised for such waste. I was also upset with AOL for having permitted the email to go through. After all, they are supposed to have this mind boggling, one of a kind spam filter. Then again it was coming from me to me so, I guess there wasn’t much they could have done on the subject other then put their feet up and watch it. Still, the content said it all and they could have stopped it; yet how many more email types are there?!

Loaded with a machine gun – my right hand, and high power riffle – the mouse, I got to work. I accessed their website, found their “contact us” section and decided to taunt them like a lion stalking its pray as they did to me.

I first created a script and then went to work. I sent the same email – you don’t dare know the content but to your “four one one” delight (it begun with an f and ended with u; you get me?) so many times that my machine begged for lollipop.

I must have sent a good half hour worth of mails. Though, tiring as it was, it made me feel good. Yeah, it really did.

Not to be undone, a plastered the Dr feel good handy man affiliated with the website – his ramshackle crack head picture was delightfully attached, and let him have it. I indicated that if they continued to use my email without my permission – yes, password has been changed and AOL has been contacted – and I continue receiving the nauseating emails that I was not only reporting his name to the American Medical Association but also to the Better Business Bureau. Lucky me, it just so happens that I work in the same floor with our local office and have commiserated with some of the girls in the bathroom. How convenient! I can just walk up and do the damage.

I might say unconventional or not, good or bad, sadistic or not, the emails stopped. I have not received anything from them for a good while nor am looking for to getting it either.  UPS delivery packages they aren’t and if I were looking for to treat my male scarcity to a snow cone delight, which I am not thank you, I would definitely not use or recommend their services.  They need to learn the tricks of the pound. Pictures are everything but not everything.


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